I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
