Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
