2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
