i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
