I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
