last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
