i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
