Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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