I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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