I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
