Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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