can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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