I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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