She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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