It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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