Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My bed smells like the plague
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
