I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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