Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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