My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
