How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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