Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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