They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
