Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
