the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I want a musical about memes.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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