Where is the hickey?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
