I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
