I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
