I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
