but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
