happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
