So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
