Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
