I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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