making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
