If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
