it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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