He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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