And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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