i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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