I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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