im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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