On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
