i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
