i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
