Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
