there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
