ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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