I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
