Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
