i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
