I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
