I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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