sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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