the condom got lost in my hair
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
