The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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