my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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